Let Your Kid Quit
This weekend Boyd made a firm decision to quit All-star Little League baseball. It killed Erica and I to let him make this decision. I love baseball and found myself living vicariously through him during his first year of team sports. I have been waiting patiently for him to want to play organized sports...when he was ready! He is so naturally gifted in hitting, catching and throwing! The learning curve became too steep for him though, especially when he had to focus on being in control at all times as he learned the many nuances of this very technical sport. What became easy to forget amidst my fanatical excitment of getting to play baseball with my son is that he was still an 8 year old boy full of impulsive behavior and desires to just be free to play and have fun. That freedom quickly disappeared when as an All-Star, structure and expectations started to mount very quickly.
After we made the choice to let him quit (going against my firm expectation in our family that we don't quit something that we start) Erica helped Boyd come up with a plan to write a letter to his coach that he could deliver to him in person outlining three reasons he wanted to quit. (I left the house and took Blythe to Michael's while this decision was being made because my emotions were pretty wrecked) Just giving the explanation that he "wanted to quit" would not be enough. We wanted to know "the why?". After asking out loud multiple times his answer remained the same, "I just wanna!". Erica knew giving him the space to think and write was our best chance to understand him.
He penned this:
The first reason was, "I'm tired". Three hours a night to give to baseball practice is a dream (for me), not for an newly minted 9 yr old boy. The third reason was "it's hard". Absolutely it is...especially standing and waiting in the outfield! But the second reason he gave was a surprise, " I'm ready to go". Boyd's an introvert and most times it's hard to know what's on his mind. Honestly, I didn't want to listen to Boyd's reasons for quitting and luckily I had Erica's wisdom to help me stop thinking selfishly and stay open to honoring what Boyd wanted. As I read that letter over and over on the drive to give it to Coach Ben, it really sunk in that Boyd said he was done and ready to hit the road. He gave the regular season his ultimate best and he was done! I, on the other hand, was not done. Kids move on very quickly when they get done, they change!
Boyd's letter to Coach Ben debunked the myth that Erica and I have said before. The same one I hear all the time from other parents; "We can't move now because we don't want to disrupt the kid's life, school, friends etc, etc, etc..."
Our kids have always loved to travel. When we shared over a year ago with them that we were planning this trip they began to immediately get excited. That excitement has grown over the course of the year because every time we speak about it, it breeds further understanding of how cool and unique it is for them to get to take this adventure. They expect us to leave on the 15th like we told them. The All-Star game was going to delay our trip by three days...not cool to either of them!
After delivering the letter to coach Ben on Friday night (who I called prior to our visit right after Erica and I both cried), Boyd's spirit immediately turned from three days of crying, missing school due to a stomach bug(stress induced, we are sure) and begging to quit, to a kid full of pure joy and happiness. He played the rest of friday night with his best buddy Caden. Their laughter was needed to further confirm our decision was the right one.
Yes, change does have an impact on our children. But how we handle the communication about the change will dramatically help to mitigate the questions they might have brewing in their minds. Spend time understanding them and letting them better understand you. We proactively talk about upcoming steps in the process like saving their own money for the trip by June14th and teaching them to purchase less stuff because it won't fit in their small storage space in the RV. We gave them the route and the cool spots they will possibly go to so they could wonder.
Our kids...I'll say all kids, are very resilent during periods of change. Kids change so often in their everyday life they know nothing different. When we were their age, we did too. We changed towns and friends at school, we changed grade level (more new friends), we changed sports teams (more new friends), we changed clothing and hair styles daily. We thrived on new experiences and the excitement that they brought. The truth as I see it, is that we hide behind and project onto our kids our own resistance to change. We don't use this excuse anymore to keep from fulfilling a life changing opportunity for our family. Our kids will love our thoughtful choices we make for them and will be there with us every positive and negative step of the way and learn...oh will we all learn! Our happiness from the decisions we make impacts their own happiness. What we did to let Boyd quit, meant I had to change my stance on quitting...I ultimately learned that his happiness from the decision he made impacted my own happiness!
One last thought about quitting. After all of the research that we did to address this quitting sports issue, the one thing that stands out is that adults have the power to change their environment when it becomes uncomfortable, hard, unsatisfying and anxiety inducing. Erica and I are taking this break from work because we need it for all of Boyd's abovementioned reasons. Work is hard, I'm tired, and I'm ready to go! Why would we not give our kid the same gift?